by Gil Gaudia, PhD
Let’s try to imagine the person with the least chance of being elected to political office (outside of San Francisco) in the “Land of the free and the home of the brave.” Who would be the most unelectable individual in a country that has as its credo, (and most famous pronouncement) “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal?”
Why, of course, the answer is simple. It would have to be the most “unequal” individual we can imagine, and that would be an Atheist, African-American lesbian, whose last name was something like “Lopez.” It would not hurt if she had once belonged to the Communist party, and it would be helpful if she had a Jewish ancestor somewhere in her background. There you have it. A taxonomy of despicability as seen from the voter’s booth and as it would be trumpeted ad nauseum on CNN and FOX News among other disseminators of fairness and the truth which shall set us free.
It is hard to conceive of a more outcast candidate for political office than the one I have depicted hypothetically above, but you’d never know it from the fuss that is being made over the words of Barack Obama’s pastor and friend Jeremiah A. Wright.
Poor Obama, as far as we know, he possesses only one of the characteristics needed for ineligibility, and yet “free Americans,” led by the ravings of a ”free press” are not going to let him rest until he murders his former spiritual mentor and goes to jail for life. In either case, we will not be electing an African-American to the presidency in November of 2008 . . . or ever.
How do we explain the fact that a person like the one I have imagined would need to wear a bullet-proof vest while campaigning in, say, Jackson, Mississippi, or Birmingham, Alabama, two-and-a-quarter centuries after the words of equality, so eloquently expressed in our Declaration of Independence, were composed by the designers of this democracy? That is, if that person could obtain the nomination in the first place; which seems to be rapidly receding from the grasp of Senator Barack Obama.
How could we quantify and arrange hierarchically the traits of rejection we have carefully handcrafted after so many years of practicing “democracy?” The kind of democracy, by the way we claim to be bringing to Iraq where people like the Sunni, the Shiites and the Kurds, despise one another and refuse to join in creating a government like ours?
I have a suggestion. We can invent a score of rejection that works like this. If you are now, or ever have been a member of the communist party, you get a demerit. If you are Hispanic or have a Jewish ancestor, you get a demerit. A woman, as soon as the doctor pronounces, “It’s a girl,” has a demerit; African-American, you get two demerits; gay or lesbian earns you three demerits; Atheists get five (We really don’t want you.) Anyone who lets it be known that they intend to be a candidate for political office, and starts out with three or more demerits cannot even be considered for nomination. Anyone with four or more is immediately targeted for erection of a flaming cross on the lawn, followed by house burning.
That’ll teach you something about Jeffersonian Democracy.
Note: This article was inspired by African-American lesbian, Maria Hernandez, whose rabbi grandfather recently spilled the beans in his Saturday sermon that his beloved granddaughter had been for years a supporter of Fidel Castro and has recently joined American Atheists. She was last seen in a shopping mall accompanied by two burly white men wearing ski masks and baseball caps that read, “America; Love it or leave it!”
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